Not All Promises Can Remain Unbroken
by RoyEd Shipper
Summary: This occurs during Episode 35. Sanzo is left in his room alone and thinking about Goku and recaps in his mind the events that just happened. Rated T for language. Shounen ai. SanzoGoku


This is a one shot that I just decided to write because I felt like it. My favorite pairing from the series is Sanzo/Goku. They may not be a _true romantic _pairing in the anime or manga, but I love the two together. This one-shot is basically Sanzo's thoughts about Goku and it happens during episode 35, the one where Goku is captured. When you read it, the italics go together. They don't really flow much with the thoughts that he actually expresses to the reader. They are more of underlying thoughts that he feels, but is not yet ready to admit to himself.

This is my first stab at a Saiyuki piece. It is also the first time I have done something in first person or created a one-shot. I hope that you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or its characters. Kazuya Minekura created the manga and ADV Films dubbed the anime.**

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That voice, it annoys the hell out of me. Constantly whining, always complaining. The kid seems to have a bottomless pit for a stomach. The way that he calls out my name makes my body cringe in anger. His verbal fights with Goyjo are pointless and annoying, they could very well end and I wouldn't have a anything against it. I may actually begin to enjoy this trip from hell if there was some silence once in a while. The damn fighting never has any point and at times I feel he only continues on with it knowing that he will begin to arouse me. Luckily I keep my gun close at hand at all times in order to quiet him down, even if I do use it as an open ended threat. He never has to know that I wouldn't really openly fire on him, even if his band were removed.

_I told myself before…_

The times he calls out my name are numerous. It seems as if he always calls to me, no matter how far or near we are; I can always hear him. He'll look at me with those sickening large golden eyes. Words are never needed; I know that he wants something. That stupid monkey knows what the result of his questions will be, a shout, a threat, and a new bump on his head from my paper fan. Even after the fact and the damage is done, he will look at me with those same eyes, almost sadly as his voice holds anger and an upset tone.

_There is no way that I ever would…_

He is a constant pest that won't leave my side, always following me around, always cheerful whenever I show him the opposite emotion, that of anger. Whenever I try to spend time on my own away from the group the Merciful Goddess appointed me to he always appears from behind me, or from the shadows, same stupid grin on his face followed by the obnoxious voice I hear too often for my liking.

_He was just an idiot…_

Now everything seems peaceful. There is no voice pestering me besides the water sprite and Hakkai. I can have peace to myself, as much peace as I want at the moment besides these memories that play in my mind. The rain…I hate it. It always reminds me of that day, the day that I wasn't able to protect the one I cared most about; the day I swore never to care about anyone else but myself.

_I made a promise to myself…_

I should be glad as I relax, recollecting thoughts to my self as this damn water falls from the dark sky. He's gone, and it appears as if he is not returning. That leaves me with one less annoyance on this trip. There won't be any more begging for food or large golden eyes staring at me. No more unnecessary fights with the kappa or complaining about starvation. No more anger from the sight of him. He won't be able to crawl under my skin and make me wish to put an end to his complaining once and for all with a single blast of my gun.

_Long ago on that dreary night…_

But I still can't help look out of this foggy window, gazing down the path that ape took after I snapped at him. I saw him running away, slipping on the new mud on the ground. He really did look like a primate. And he wonders why we call him a monkey. His hyperness and constant jumping around should have been more than a clue, but it appears as if his head really was as thick as I thought, his mind small.

_I made a promise never to care for another in order to protect my own self…_

For some reason the scene from before the chimp left is playing in my head. He acted as if I was ill, unnecessarily touching my forehead to check for an inexistent fever. He really is an idiot to think I would become ill so easily. You would think that one command to leave the room would be enough, but he was persistent. The only thing I could do was slap his hand away in order to keep my distance away from him. After that I had to look away as his waterworks looked like they were going to begin. He really is stupid, getting upset over the smallest things. Everyone sees him as some sort of monster, I take one look at him and all I see is a burden.

_I am here just for myself…_

His golden eyes held sorrow as he gave me one last long glance. I knew his eyes were upon me, they always were. Those eyes, I hate them. They seem to peer inside me, filling me with stupidity, making me have thoughts that he may have. I heard his footsteps as he hurried out of the room. My eyes traveled to that window, the one that showed me the cause of the annoying pitter-patter, to see the boy running away from here. Good.

_Then why…_

I made a promise to only care about myself after that night. That night I saw hell and everything that ever mattered to me was taken away. I don't give a shit about anyone. Everyone traveling with me is just another waste of space, people who I should not have to deal with, especially that little monkey.

_Why can't I stop thinking about him…_

The thoughts of the monkey won't leave my mind. It seems as if he permanently spread these stupid feelings to me. Typical. I always knew that stupidity was contagious. He just proved my thought. His questions and unneeded comments won't leave my thoughts alone. I see his face even as I stare out this window into the darkness, the rain still pouring hard.

_This is stupid…_

Hakkai and Goyjo returned and there is no sign of the chimp. Good. This is the way that it should be. He was kidnapped. We never had a friendship or any promises that we had to stay together as we journeyed to the West. There isn't a way that this could have worked out more perfectly. Now I need to think of a way to get rid of the stupid redhead and nagging man. Goku is no loss, but a burden being lifted. I released him from that place and had to pay a price for it. I'm glad he's gone. Now I can work on getting some damn rest away from his shit.

_But then again…_

Goyjo and Hakkai left again. I finally got what I wanted. Maybe they won't return as well. I can finish this crap on my own. But why is it that I still hear that annoying chimp's voice? He's nowhere around. I can spend time to myself cursing this rain. Goku still won't leave me alone.

_This feeling…what is it…_

I never felt this way before. This annoyed. This angry. I wish I knew where that pest was so I could get him good with my fan, knock some of the stupidity out of him. There is no one else that can make me feel this way. The monkey seems to have a way with him to drive me to the point of insanity.

_I never felt it before…_

This annoyance, this anger, there was never more of it that existed. The resentment that surfaces does not rest. The denial won't leave me alone. Hakkai always seems to say just the right things to make all these feelings return as he tries to uncover my thoughts about the golden-eyed demon.

_This is different than ten years ago…_

This is stupid. These thoughts are not my own. If the others were here they would say I was not myself and Goku would explain how the _real_ Sanzo acts. He would tell me to hit him on the head and call him a stupid monkey. He really is a simpleton, I may have killed too many of the few brain cells he had.

_I don't just care about someone…_

Those little things that drive me crazy, the ones that make me wish I had extra bullets for my gun, all affected me. Crap, that ape did affect me. I may have broken my promise after all.

_I love him…_

I know I'm going to regret it later; I'll go find the little shithead. But I won't leave without my gun and a few extra bullets…

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_And there you have it. A piece with a lot of firsts in it. I hope that you enjoyed it. Please R and R. It would be appreciated._


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